I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
