When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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