It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
