Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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