just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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