the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
