apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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