and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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