if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
