my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i've created a new STD.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
