I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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