Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
