Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
