either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
