i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize