Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
