I am puke
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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