An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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