my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
