bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize