Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
