It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
