A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
