What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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