Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
