dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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