I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize