i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
