So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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