A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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