his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't turn off my feet"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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