Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
