whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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