Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
