you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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