if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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