in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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