There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
