Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
