your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
