I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, beer. Big fan.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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