the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How external is "for external use only"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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