so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
