Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
