She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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