I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
