when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
