Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
