I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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