I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
