I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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