She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it was like eating out sand paper
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
