Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
