Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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