new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
