Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
