omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So squirting runs in the family.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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