On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
