i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Holy sore nipples Batman
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
